In the aftermath of Kevin Mather lighting himself and the organization on fire, the team finally managed to release an official statement on Monday, via this clean-looking graphic. The statement is allegedly to be read in the voice of John Stanton. He said some words, and some of them presumably meant something. Parsing through official statements and apologies can be tough work, though. What’s said on the surface often does not reflect everything the speaker really thinks and feels. Lucky for you, the Trident Deck Apology Translator just got out of the shop and is ready to roll. Let’s take a look at what John said, and then see what it actually means according to the TDAT.

Like all of you, I was extremely disappointed when I learned of Kevin Mather’s recent comments.

It’s really annoying for me that Kevin said these things in a place where they could be recorded and posted on the internet.

His comments were inappropriate and do not represent our organization’s feelings about our players, staff, and fans.

It was inappropriate for Kevin to make those comments in that space. They do represent our feelings about our players, staff, and fans, we just prefer to keep quiet about that.

There is no excuse for what was said, and I won’t try to make one.

I really don’t wanna discuss the specifics. Please don’t make me.

I offer my sincere apology on behalf of the club and my partners to our players and fans.

Again, this has all been very annoying, and that makes me sad. So, I’m sorry. Please don’t make me do anything else about this because again, very annoying.

We must be, and do, better.

Lol.

Oh no, sorry reader. Looks like the translator machine malfunctioned on that one. Let’s put it through again.

We must be, and do, better.

Hahahaha.

Uh..ok, that’s weird. Alright let’s just move on to the next part.

We have a lot of work to do to make amends, and that work is already underway.

We texted “sorry” to the agents of Jarred Kelenic and Julio Rodriguez. That’s pretty much it.

Kevin Mather has resigned his position effective immediately.

I didn’t want to fire Kevin. In fact, I really didn’t want him to leave. So he had to do this to keep you all from going all “torches and pitchforks” on us. I hope you’re happy.

I want to thank Kevin for his 25 years of service to our franchise.

I REALLY didn’t want Kevin to leave.

Everyone at the Seattle Mariners remains committed to our mission of winning on the field…

[error: excessive malarkey detected]

…and serving our fans and communities off the field. We will demonstrate that commitment through our actions.

We won’t demonstrate anything of the sort through our actions, but we will say words like this in hopes that it will make you forget about said lack of action.

Well I don’t know about you, but I feel like I have a much clearer picture now. Thank you, TDAT!