While Trident Deck has no authority to hand out scouting grades to baseball players for actual baseball skills, and you probably don’t either, we DO have the authority (self-given) to assign grades for pretty much everything else we want. So while there may be discussion about whether or not a certain player is 80-grade on the field, there is no disputing the elite level of some Mariners players in other areas. This is pretty much insider information, so understand that you’re getting very special access. Here are some Mariners with 80-grade skills off the diamond.

Tom Murphy: Music Taste

Tom is not here to mess around with club hits and pop anthems. He is here to throw down in the pit. Now THIS is a walk-up song. https://open.spotify.com/track/3qHlBxD3acw5nrl7Padt0v?si=dKOjlUZ6Sl-jfAHMGDh0uA

Shed Long: Teeth Brushing

Rumor has it Shed brushes his teeth 5 times per day: Pre-breakfast, post-breakfast, post-lunch, post-dinner, pre-bed. That’s the type of commitment that makes for an elite prospect.

Mallex Smith: Tent Camping

If you haven’t yet heard how Mallex spent his summer-without-baseball, let me tell you. During that time, he proceeded to wow scouts with his natural ability to stake a tent efficiently. Suffice it to say if you ever want to spend some time lost in the woods, we know a guy.

Evan White: Niceness

Is Evan White an 80-grade prospect? Yes, absolutely. When it comes to being a kind, sweet boy, you cannot rate any higher. What a good young man. He will walk you across the street, pick up your baseball cards, and perhaps give you some light encouragement. You can’t tell me that’s not valuable.

Marco Gonzales: Game-watching Buddy

Sources and our own in-depth personality scouting has led us to confidently grade out Marco as an elite dude to watch sports with. He’ll be respectful of your home, share snacks, and balance witty banter and small talk about your life perfectly, without ever being obnoxious.

Kyle Seager: Half-humming, Half-singing in the Car

The reason Kyle is drawn to country music is that it’s the easiest genre for humming along and occasionally muttering a “dirt road,” or “baby girl” knowing you’ve got about a 75% chance of landing that in the correct spot. Well, Kyle lands it perfectly every single time. He may not know all the words, but the ones he does? Flawless.

JP Crawford: Dishwasher Loading

JP understands a clean, healthy living environment starts in the kitchen. Dishes are loaded and unloaded promptly, and with an efficiency so lethal that most humans can hardly comprehend it. It doesn’t matter what type of plate Crawford steps up to — it’s not going to give him any trouble.

Dylan Moore: Looking Like He Just Came Back From a Frat Party on a Boat

As soon as Dylan takes off his baseball uniform he’s instantly wearing white shorts, a salmon polo, sunglasses on head and White Claw in hand. No one in the American League can match his ability to laugh inappropriately and ask “what’s up with your dad, bro?”

Dan Altavilla: Nu Metal Fan

Some people appear as though they were divinely created for a specific purpose. Dan’s is to listen to Godsmack in the garage and put up more rock fists than Disturbed will typically see in a national headlining tour. “Yeah we all know Trapt isn’t good, but ‘Headstrong’ was a true lightning-in-a-bottle moment that captured the anger of early-2000s white dudes, and you gotta respect that.” This is the type of thing you can hear from this special talent when he’s on top of his game.

Dee Gordon: Understanding Jokes

Nothing is worse than delivering a joke that you KNOW is money, only to have your audience look at you like you switched languages right before the punch line. That will never happen with Dee. This is a guy who gets jokes on a level most scouts have never even seen before. Remember, that doesn’t mean he’ll always think your joke is funny — but he will understand it, no matter how obscure the pop culture reference is or how badly you trip over the delivery. Now that’s a dude you want on your squad.