The Seattle Mariners: Where Are They Now?

The Seattle Mariners have not played a game since March 12th. That’s four weeks of not doing their job. Rumors are swirling that some type of global event has affected their ability to do their job safely, as well as millions of others. These are just rumors though, no one has confirmed anything to me. If we give them the benefit of the doubt (always a mistake with the Mariners) and assume that they have a good reason to not be playing baseball right now, the next question naturally is what are they doing during this time?

Some players have taken to posting instructional videos online of baseball drills that fans can do by themselves to improve their craft while quarantined. Hey, geniuses! No one can play baseball right now! Especially by themselves! Why don’t you post some instructional videos of something useful, like, oh I don’t know, how to use a broadsword? Or how to successfully commandeer a hardware store and build an army of loyal followers within its walls? Give us something that will help us gain an advantage over our enemies.

In a league-wide MLB: The Show tournament, the Mariners got stuck with a reliever as the team representative. Really? A reliever? Not a single one of these young position player children can hold a PS4 controller? What about Sheffield or Dunn, for that matter? Nope, here’s a middle-tier reliever with a negative career bWAR, the best gamer the Mariners have to offer.

But what’s really going on, behind the curtain of these mundane, public activitites? We will take you there. According to a source close to Trident Deck dot website, Kyle Seager hasn’t gotten out of his Captain America pajamas in 16 days. Steady as always, Kyle. The same source tells us that JP Crawford is hard at work trying to invent tiny saddles for dogs. Thank you, JP. That could at least prove somewhat useful in the coming apocalypse. Another, worse source, has informed Trident Deck that they saw a masked Scott Servais staring intently at three avocados in his local supermarket. He did not appear to be comparing them for ripeness. According to the source he was staring at the avocados in a way that indicated he believed one of them was actually an evil witch disguised as an avocado, and Scott could not be sure which avocado was the witch. It is unknown at this time if Scott was able to determine the identity of the witch-ocado and get out of the produce department safely. Again, this source is not very reliable. However, this information sounds plausible enough that it’s worth sharing.

We could dig through players’ social media accounts for more information, but a different, better Mariners blog has exclusive rights to that domain. That leaves us with the only other responsible option, which is to speculate wildly and jump to conclusions. That’s a commitment that you can count on from Trident Deck in these uncertain times. Stay safe, Sailor. Call your grandma, and ask her why Ryon Healy got so many at bats in 2018.

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