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Dipoto Defends Cuts of Minor Leaguers, Says “All the Cool Teams Are Doing It”
“I have a reputation to protect, here.” A visibly annoyed Jerry Dipoto said. “All these other guys are doing it, and they all think I’m cool. What am I supposed to do, not join them and out myself as a total dweeb? No chance, man.” When Dipoto was informed that the Kansas City Royals intend […]
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Mariners Desperately Searching for Something Shiny With Which to Distract the Fanbase
After announcing today that they would be furloughing some employees and releasing a bunch of minor leaguers, the Mariners front office has spent the day frantically rummaging through storage closets for something shiny to dangle in front of the fans, in hopes it will distract them from this unfortunate turn of events. “I thought I […]
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Mock Draft: Building a Lineup With Only 1st Round Picks in Last 20 Years
Can you field a full lineup using only first round draft picks by the Seattle Mariners in this century? The answer of course is yes, or you would not be reading this right now. Can you field a good lineup? Well…let’s just say this team comes out looking VERY 21st Century Mariners. There is a […]
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A Special Message Brought to You by Every Mariners Slogan Ever
As we all continue to stay Safe at Home, things can feel a little lonely. It’s important to remember that We Can Do This Together. I know we miss watching the guys Playin’ Hardball. But we have to stay strong, and Believe Big things can happen. I believe Anything Can Happen. I believe we will […]
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Marinerrors Part 2: The Ones That Live Forever
These are the ones that stick with us. The mistakes so heinous, so absurd, that they are seared into our collective consciousness forever. So what do we do with them, knowing they won’t leave? We pull them out and laugh at them periodically, because there is nothing else to do. With the help of some […]
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Marinerrors Part One: Who Are the Worst Defenders in Mariners History?
While there is more to evaluating a player’s defense than the amount of errors they commit, it remains the easiest point of reference and due to their visible, quantifiable nature, also the easiest to mock. That is really what we’re all about. When I say “error-prone Mariners,” surely a few names pop into your head. […]
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BREAKING: Mariners to Pass Right By 2021 Contention Window, According to New Reports
The USS Mariner has been hurtling through time and space for over four decades now, and current captain Jerry Dipoto has been steering her towards a 2021 contention window that he saw open up after the explosion of an unstable star cluster. Always clever, Dipoto saw his opportunity to slingshot the ship around a partially […]
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The Seattle Mariners: Where Are They Now?
The Seattle Mariners have not played a game since March 12th. That’s four weeks of not doing their job. Rumors are swirling that some type of global event has affected their ability to do their job safely, as well as millions of others. These are just rumors though, no one has confirmed anything to me. […]
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Opening Day Recap: The Mariners Win, and You Should Know How to Handle This By Now
In a turn of events that should be shocking to absolutely no one, the Seattle Mariners won an Opening Day home game to start the 2020 season. In a week or so they’ll be 6-2, and fans will be saying “weeeellll? Mayyyybe?” But they know better. The answer is no, despite whatever fancy meal the […]
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