Grown Man Soils Himself on Live Television; Mariners Win on Opening Day

In a vulgar display late Thursday evening, an Ohio man named James Karinchak walked onto the pitcher’s mound at T-Mobile Park in downtown Seattle and proceeded to deposit an entire mess inside his drawers. To make matters worse, he did not appear to be wearing a diaper, as his pants were too tight.

Unfortunately for Mr. Karinchak, there happened to be a sell-out crowd on hand at the stadium for the Seattle Mariners first game of the season, and they saw it all. He would not receive any compassion from them — the raucous crowd mocked him relentlessly.

At the time of the incident, the Mariners and Guardians were locked in a scoreless battle, largely due to stellar outings from both starting pitchers. That all changed with Karinchak’s vile performance. While his motives are currently unclear as he could not be reached for comment (we did not try to reach him for comment), the results were undeniable. Karinchak did an odd, stiff little dance, as though he were working up the courage to follow through on his appalling act.

Then, he did it. A big huge stinky mess, all over himself. In an instant, two Mariners were on base. Karinchak looked over at Guardians manager Terry Francona in the dugout and mouthed “uh oh. I did an oopsie.” Battery mate Mike Zunino jogged out to the mound to discuss the plan against upcoming Mariners hitter Ty France, and immediately turned around as he could not stand to be in Karinchak’s cloud of stench.

Shortly thereafter, Ty France blasted a pitch just over the right field wall to give the Mariners a 3-0 lead, which they would not relinquish. Karinchak shamefully walked off the mound, presumably to go take a shower and find clean pants.

The Mariners and Guardians will face off again on Friday evening at 7:10 Pacific time.

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