Rays $/fWAR Championship Parade Draws 0.000012 Million Fans

Erik Neander prepares to speak to the crowd at the end of the parade route

An estimated (fractional) million fans jammed downtown Tampa (or St Pete, it’s not actually Tampa; we’re not sure) on Tuesday for a parade celebrating the Tampa Bay Rays sixth $/fWAR title, clamoring for more with cheers of “We want seven!”, “Pivot This, Oakland!” and “Next year, right here, or Montreal, I guess!”

A fiscally responsible and explotative atmosphere has gripped the city as local paper pushers and overly online control freaks begrudgingly decided to use their year-end PTO and risk their first sun exposure in months to stand on their tiptoes for a glimpse of President of Baseball Operations Erik Neander, Senior Director of Baseball Systems Brian Plexico, and Controller Pat Smith, along with the rest of the Rays Baseball Operations, Finance, and Accounting departments. In true Rays tradition, confetti was eschewed due to cost.

“Getting to see Plexico & Erik Neander again is always a special day, but the Rays are awesomesauce. Six-time champs, HA HA” fan Robert Justtheworstguyyouveevermet yelled, adding that he still hasn’t had his fill. His message to Neander: “Go for No. 7! Spend smart! Relievers don’t deserve healthcare! I’M PICKLE RICK! CAP-I-TAL! CAP-I-TAL! ELON MUSK IS MY CHRIST!”

Fresh from Monday’s 6-5 Growth Opportunity against the Boston Red Sox, team members and their families took a leisurely stroll through Tampa, periodically being yelled at by the (fractional) Millions of Fans.

Neander held a 99th percentile baseball savant cutout with a Ray on it and waved it around, much to the attendees’ enjoyment. Office Staff and team owner Stuart Sterenberg took turns holding the Championship .XLS aloft. Plaxico beamed, and the storied executive doffed his fedora.

Star Lead Analyst of Baseball Operations and Development, David Marshall, who has talked about maybe getting a new hobby such as woodworking after this latest $/fWAR title, left the door open to maybe strapping up the carpal tunnel braces again for the Rays in 2022.

At least one brave Guardians fan, wearing one of that team’s older and really super-duper racist hats because, of course, you can already see this guy in your mind traveled all the way from Cleveland to the parade.

“I love what the Rays are doing here. They’re a true inspiration for guys like me who vent their anger towards a society they feel less and less control of at the completely wrong places,” said Jimmy Touchgrasspleasejustonce.

Officials expected roughly 11 attendees but were able to accommodate the unexpected out-of-towner.

Security was tight, and Mayor TampaGuy warned fans not to throw anything. Errant Bang! Cans slightly damaged the Rays spreadsheet last year.

Stephen Idontknowwhattotellyabud of Fish Hawk has attended all six of Tampa’s $/fWAR parades and says that his wife and his wife’s masseuse must’ve gotten held up in traffic, again.

“What made this year special was all the other fans doubting us,” Idontknowwhattotellyabud said, wearing a Stuart Sterenberg Shirsey. “The fWAR speaks for itself. Neander, Plaxico, Topol, and the rest of the middle-aged doughy white guys prove year in year out we do it different in Tampa bayyybeee!” as scattered chants of “Boot! Boot! Boot!” broke out. 

The Hillsborough County DOT has advised folks to stay off Twitter for roughly 48 hours, stating, “I mean come on folks, you really wanna talk with these folks for an extended period?” and that the best advice, if you run into a parade attendee, is “not engaging is always an option, and it is usually your best option.”

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