Here at Trident Deck dot blog we pride ourselves on two things above all else: speed, and accuracy. So when we come to you lightning-fast (within 18 hours) with our reactions on round 1 of the MLB draft, you know we mean business. Now we know you’ve got a lot to do today, so we’re only going to touch on the early picks, up to around about where the Mariners selected a child named Harry. There are a lot of smart people around the web who can provide you with great insight on these draft results, and there’s also us. I guarantee you’ll learn something new here. Brian and I each took on a few of these top picks to let you know what
we think you should think.
Bale Christianson, Catcher, Santa Clarita Technical Institute For Children
Shane: Rumor has it that Bale received his name because his mother watched AMERICAN PSYCHO a few too many times, but we haven’t been able to find anyone to corroborate that. What we do know is that he’s extremely versatile – “a danged freak,” one scout called him – and will make sacrifices to fit into whatever role the team demands of him. A natural leader with unnatural deltoids, Christianson has a lot to offer to a team with an open mind, which means he’s absolutely doomed with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
Crunch Dalvis, RHP, Hogswamp Prep, Mississippi
Shane: Yes, that’s his birth name, and you’ll feel less weird about it when I remind you that his older brother Noodle is a reliever in the Nationals’ organization. Crunch is a little softer around the edges than the name would imply, but he’s got a slider with some truly nasty bite and a 65 grade fastball. He’ll need to develop another pitch and also stop growling and baring his teeth whenever someone says “hello” in order to develop into more than a late-inning guy, but the potential is huge.
Joyrdyn Witherspoon, Outfield, J. Smith Institute of Higher Learning, Utah
Shane: Quick hands and a twitchiness in the batter’s box have enabled Joyrdyn to rack up a lot of hits, to the tune of a .638 batting average over his amateur career. Actually, he’s just twitchy in general. He consumes approximately 3,000 calories a day yet stands at 5’8” and 130 lbs. He literally does not stop moving. He often finds himself out of position or taking bad routes in the outfield due to this, but 70 grade speed covers a multitude of sins. Plate discipline is practically zero but the super elite bat control allows him to make acceptable contact with just about anything. How he adapts to more effective offspeed pitches remains to be seen, but you’re not going to find a better motor than this in the draft.
Danny “Two” Schoops, Infield, Greater Bonanza Mesa CC, New Mexico
Shane: Danny is always fighting for a little bit more. An extra base, an aggressive double play, a second locker for his Hawaiian shirts. (He wears at least two pre-game, then another post-shower). A 5’10” 240 lb tank with quick feet and quicker hands. Danny got on base at a .572 clip down at GBMCC, and his knowledge of the zone is so good it can be a detriment. He will not swing on an 0-2 count unless he is certain a pitch is in the zone, and pitchers beginning to figure this out led to a spike in both the OBP and K rate (43%). He hasn’t had a hit since his sophomore year but the plate discipline is too good to pass up this early in the draft. He’ll run into one at some point.
Camryn Ericks, RHP, Big Rock County High School, Alaska
Shane: The only thing colder than the late innings of an early season contest for BRCHS is Mr. Ericks’ disposition on the mound. The fastball tops out at 92, but at 6’6” 250lb it feels a lot faster, especially as you’re recalling Camryn’s promise to stuff you in a locker after the game. Who’s gonna tell him no? And why should they? He’s a bad man, with a bad change up that’s gonna get absolutely toasted in the higher levels, but just hold on tight and ride this scary avalanche of a human for as long as you can.
Dylan Wylems, Infielder, Our Lady of Blessed Bloody BloodBlood, Pennsylvania
Brian: Rumored to be amicable to a significant under-slot deal, Wylems is an intelligent pick for teams looking to maximize their utility on other teenagers and 20something himbos. Three-team all-state for Pennsylvania, Wylems also will crank it up into the 80s when called upon to pitch in a blowout sometime in the next decade. Questions remain about his ability to stick at shortstop as Wylems possesses fantastic baseball instincts; the mind may be willing, the flesh is weak, for a world class athlete who could absolutely kick my ass, I do not want to fight Dylan Wylems by any measure. Once played Child Eckstein in unreleased Disney Channel Movie “Smart House 2: they did whaaaaaa”. Though the program successfully cranks out middle infield types and Wylems carries with him a league-average hit tool, prospects from the Bloody BloodBlood program also carry a lifetime of unshakable guilt.
Jepson Jorrb, Pitcher, Heritage Not Hate Preparatory Academy, Mississippi.
Brian: If you’re of a certain age, you will know the inherent satisfaction in besting the artificial intelligence of 16-32 bit baseball video games by hitting that sumptuous down and left on the controller and letting a bendy one generate what we here in the future call a “CSW.” Being able to repeat a small fraction of that right spot on the mound right spin on the arm in a sporting contest, even as a young youth, is honestly a high worth chasing but cannot be replicated in the real world. Being a pitcher who in your big ol’ gut knows you’re dialed the heck in is probably the most underrated Sports High you’ll ever have as a middling athlete. I cannot imagine the feeling of knowing you’re a hot knife personified while being paid for the carnival.
Brogan Nugroundweiler, Pitcher, West Watamahatchee River CC, Tennessee
Brian: Pop-up arm for the class of ’21, who may be a tough sign. Nugroundweiler is your central casting lefthander, who may lack the feel for pitching that you’d like to see from a high draft pick, but again, 6’4 lefties don’t grow on trees. Nugroundwieiler has been coming out of the bullpen this year for the WaterMoccasinz. His 6.90 ERA and 4.2 BB/9 doesn’t exactly scream “future big leaguer” ‘right at you, but again, where is that lefty tree? Nugroundweiler was initially in the class of 18’ but missed the last two seasons as he was involved in a counterfeit funko scheme and somehow contracted rubella. This year, he was suspended for the playoffs for making some really just shocking comments about ice cream trucks on TikTok. Dear reader, where is lefty tree? I have a family to feed. Please, show me tree.
Khalil Watson, Shortstop, Biscuit Crick HS, Directional Carolina
Brian: Folks who watch a lot more baseball than I seem to like this youngster, so I guess I like him too. In fact, I bet my Trident Deck monthly paycheck on this teenager being selected by your Seattle Mariners.
Since this has been wrapped up with a pretty pink bow, time to take a big sip of expensive as heck coffee I purchased to treat myself and show you some words that come up VERY frequently in scouting of youngsters.
#1 Big: Oh yeah, we want it, we want it BIG. Go to your local eats and drinkery and just say this word, and you’re in for fun.
#2 Hit: Bad for toddlers, good for baseballers! Exceptions made for baseballing toddlers.
#3 Feel: You gotta feel your feels and let ’em’ out!
#4 Cowser: If you ever see folk with what seems to be a radar gun and or a stopwatch, hit ’em with a friendly wave and a “Cowser my trousers!” They’ll giggle and respond accordingly. Part of the Baseball Code.
#5 Arm: May need it to throw.
Kayden Hunt, Catcher, Arizona State
Brian: Son of the Internet’s Dam Daniel, yes, THAT Dam Daniel, and wow, we are getting old. Hunt is a three-year starter for the Sun Devils and a 2 time All Pac-12 honoree who may be short on tools but is long on makeup. Power over hit catcher who was on pace to match Dustin Pedroia’s Red and Nude records as a Freshman but unfortunately contracted something called Spores of Colonel Maricopa’s Revenge and had to miss the remainder of the season. Will need to stick at catcher to make it to the bigs because I mean really, like 20 guys on planet earth can play first base. Majoring in Aquatic Facility Maintenance, Priority Senior Sign.
Harry Ford, Catcher/Outfielder, North Corncob HS, Georgia
Shane: What is there to say about a teenager named Harry? Most prospects have to grow into their frame, Harry has to grow into his name. An athlete and a catcher, Jerry Dipoto’s ultimate fantasy, is sure to be the best pick in this year’s draft when all is said and done. More important than anything he can do on the field, he tells grown men who have soiled their diapers online to go cry about it. Now if only he could do something about that name.
A tag-team effort from Shane Hall and Brian Tesch. Shout out to Productive Outs, who are the best real fake name creators on the web.