Though he could not be reached for further comment, we assume this is endorsed by KNOWN Trident Appreciator Rickey Henderson.

This week, reading the internet, it seems to be Mariner Optimal Lineup Season (or szn for the hipper cats and kittens). And please believe we have A Take. Digging through the baseball internet of yore, I unearthed a lineup optimizer from the bush-era-web. The following datums were plugged into the machine, and I let the science pixies do their work.

Behold, the mysteries of the edge.

The Netscape Navigated, and lo and behold, we solved the Mariners. Without further ado, here is The Optimal Mariner Lineup For 2021.

Look upon this and tremble, AL West.


  • Though the Median Trident Appreciator is slowing down and noticing a gray hair or three, we still recommend batting them leadoff. Despite their noticeable lack of athletic skills, the Median Trident Appreciator continues to possess powers that are challenging to quantify but easy to identify as Whipping Ass.
  • Go get ’em, Mitchy.
  • The emergence of one Tyler Lawrence France has given the Mariners the lineup flexibility to break up the Kyle’s, allowing for a far more aesthetically pleasing lineup card.
  • Your first baseman should hit after your catcher and shortstop, actually. This is a good thing. Stare into the Golden Gloves and find peace.
  • We think that the lineup (which these rosy calculations will be the blastiest battleship since 2001) could really kick it into another gear with those Unconverted to the Trident at this time became Trident Converts. Scouts are saying that they remind them of a younger Median Trident Appreciator, but results have been less than rosy at this point. 


Baseball Musings Lineup Analysis

Thoughts About The Quality of Tridents

The Platonic Leadoff Ideal

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