A trusted Trident Deck source has confirmed that on a recent trip to Red Robin, Mariners majority owner John Stanton was also there with his family, seated in the VIP section next to the giant Red Robin mascot statue. Now, I know you’re wondering why in the world someone of Mr. Stanton’s status would be seen there, but who among us can resist the allure of bottomless fries?

A trip to a local diner is not newsworthy in and of itself, no. What is newsworthy, however, is what happened towards the end of the night. As the Stanton group was finishing up their lettuce-wrapped well done burgers, their waiter became aware that it was John Stanton’s birthday. The waitstaff gathered around the table to sing that wonderful birthday song, as is tradition. What happened next had the entire restaurant in stunned silence. As the waiter walked back to the table with Mr. Stanton’s free birthday dessert, Stanton was heard saying “no, thank you.”

The waiter almost dropped the dish on the floor. “But, sir,” he stammered. “This comes at virtually no cost to you. In fact, literally no cost in this case. We bring it to you…as a gift.” Stanton nodded with understanding. “Yes, yes. I get that,” he said. “I just don’t want it. The risk is too great.” Our brave waiter, Dave, squinted at Stanton with warranted skepticism. “The…risk? Are you allergic?” Stanton laughed. “Oh, no. In fact, I love this particular type of dessert. But what if it upsets my tummy, or prevents me from having another dessert later that may or may not be as delicious? Should I throw that potential away for a free dessert right now?” He asked. Waiter Dave, overcome with shock and confusion, could hardly manage to speak again. “Uh…I mean…I..yes? I absolutely would? This dessert is right in front of you, it’s one that’s worked well for you before, and has essentially no long term risk whatsoever. Yes, I would definitely take the free dessert.”

Stanton looked down at the broken bodies of steak fries on his plate, for what felt like eternity. Then, with quiet, seething anger: “We aren’t talking about dessert anymore, are we, Dave….” SLAM! His fists hit the table. “ARE WE DAVE?!” Waiter Dave politely asked Mr. Stanton to leave, and reassured him that he was only referring to the dessert, and nothing else. Mr. Stanton stormed past the Statue of Liberty in the lobby and threw open the front door.

“THE MARINERS WILL NOT SIGN JAMES PAXTON AS LONG AS I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!”