Mariners Desperately Searching for Something Shiny With Which to Distract the Fanbase

After announcing today that they would be furloughing some employees and releasing a bunch of minor leaguers, the Mariners front office has spent the day frantically rummaging through storage closets for something shiny to dangle in front of the fans, in hopes it will distract them from this unfortunate turn of events.

“I thought I found a new design for a Turn Ahead the Clock jersey that we could announce,” said weary team president Kevin Mather, “but it turns out it was just one of Jerry’s IRON MAN posters. He’s obsessed with Tony Stark.” Meanwhile, John Stanton was fixated on a Three Musketeers wrapper he located under his desk. “How shiny does it need to be?” He shouted down the hallway.

“Look,” said Stanton. “We know this isn’t ideal. We could have said this is what we were going to do from the outset, but that would’ve been a downer. We wanted to earn some good will first, and deal with the consequences, uh, now, I guess. It’s just too bad we don’t have the money to deal with this differently.”

Mather nodded in solemn agreement. “Yep. We didn’t want it to be like this. But hopefully we can find something to divert our fans’ eyes, show ‘em some highlights, and let this blow over in a couple days.”

General Manager Jerry Dipoto could not be reached for comment, as he was busy in the bowels of T-Mobile Park trying to build what he called a “good job trophy” to be virtually awarded to players and fans who “do a good job showing what it means to be a Mariner.” It appeared to be made out of a single LED light, most of the team kitchen utensils, and a pile of old King’s Court shirts.

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